Nov. 1, 2019
In 34 days I will be having brain case surgery that I have been postponing, because I'm so afraid that my life will end, and to be honest I'm not ready for that. I have Chiari Malformation Type I, which "is a congenital or acquired (rare) malformation in which the back compartment of the skull is too small, resulting in crowding of neurological tissues. The lower part of the cerebellum, called the cerebellar tonsils, hangs down through the opening at the bottom of the skull, preventing cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) from flowing freely into the spinal canal," according to the CSF Chiari & Syringomylia Foundation. I have known about this condition for around seven years, and I was hoping that it was not going to get to this point as so many patients never experience the symptoms I have been having, such as vision related problems, numbness in my right arm, muscle weakness, issues with balance and coordination, and severe pain in the back of my head. The discomfort is worse with coughing or sneezing or going to the bathroom number two. The risks of doing this surgery are very high and that is also why I have been waiting, because I wanted to enjoy life to the fullest and do what I love to do before this potentially dangerous surgery. I have realized, however, that I can't wait any longer as I'm getting weaker as the days go by and I know I need to do this. I'm really scared of the risks of doing this surgery: 1) I could become paralyzed from the neck down. 2) I could have a stroke. 3) I could die. OR 4) I can have a successful surgery, survive and live a better life.
I have decided to put my life in the hands of a young doctor who is in her 30's, but from the moment I saw her I knew she was the one. She is super confident, knows what she is talking about and gave me her fullest attention to make sure I understood my problems and the risks of doing surgery. She knows exactly what she is going to do in order to make me feel better and get me back to 100%. I decided to write this blog because I wanted to be honest with myself and acknowledge my thoughts and emotions. I have always been the strong one, the one who is always there for anyone, the one who is the cheerleader, the one who will always say to never give up, to follow your dreams, that nothing is impossible, but for the first time I don't know if I believe it. I feel so weak, tired and really scared. Every time I'm close to accomplishing something that matters to me in my career, something always stops me from reaching it. I will try with all my heart and soul to be positive and hopefully by the end of the countdown I will be ready to accept my outcome.
This blog is meant to be a source of positivity and exploration as I go forth on this journey. Sometimes it will be reminiscing, sometimes it will be dreaming, sometimes it will be a love letter to someone important in my life. It will also be a way of showing gratitude for the life I have lived and for all the experiences that have made me the person that I'm today. I appreciate everyone who has been there for me - this is not just for me, but also for you.