Nov. 3, 2019

When I was a kid I was very independent. I played sports all the time and I was never waiting for anyone to solve my problems. I simply took care of it. My mom told me that when I was 4 years old I was playing tennis in a presentation and suddenly my underwear fell off. She said that my reaction was priceless, because I didn't panic or start to cry. What I did was simply take my underwear off and run to my mom to give them to her, and then went back and continued playing tennis. Now that I'm older I realize that over time I have developed a co-dependency on others. How did it come about that I changed from not needing anyone to depending on everyone? Last night I came home after working and watching a movie around 11:45 p.m. I was tired and very hungry, so I didn't feel like doing anything. My wife was asleep (she can't fall asleep well at night, so I was happy she was sleeping), and her dog Sylke came to see me and keep me company. After finishing eating I lay on the couch, which is next to Sylke's doggy bed. Sylke started to do something to her bed that was kind of weird so I got up off the couch and looked to see what she was doing. I then noticed that her bed was wet. I started to get super upset because she had evidently peed on it, I started to scream at her and became really angry. Immediately I started to blame my wife, thinking why didn't she take her out before going to bed, so that consumed my mind and I completely blocked out all the solutions to the problem. I decided to wake my wife up (angrily and suddenly) and told her what had happened (quite loudly). She assured me that she did take them out, but she felt so bad that she brought different things to clean the bed, the carpet and the wooden floor and began to clean it. I told myself that Sylke is not my dog, but hers, and that she is responsible for her. What a stupid way of thinking, right? First, Sylke is my dog too, not just hers. Secondly, I could have just been calm and understood that she is a 12-year-old dog who can't handle her bladder like she used to. Third, for crying out loud, my wife, who has problems sleeping, shouldn't have been awakened for something I could have solved myself. I'm a 40-year-old woman who could have taken care of the problem easily without bothering her. After my wife took care of the mess and loved on her dog (who I had been yelling at for something she really couldn't help), I started to go deep into my thoughts of what is wrong with me. Why do I depend so much on other people to help me and to make things happen for me? How come I always have to ask for permission, for acceptance, for advice? Why I have to show any type of my work to anyone before I have confidence in it, why I have to have co-writers for most of the things I do, why, why, why do I have to show my work to anyone and unless they like it, I don't show it? Why I don't have the confidence in me to say FUCK IT! This is my work and I love it and it's ok to show it and post it, and if people like it fine, and if not, it is ok. Why I have to ask people what they think all the time, why I can't just be fearless and go for it? Why I can't solve my own problems? Why do I need people to clean up my messes, when I should be able to take care of it? Sylke, thank you so much for opening my eyes, for showing me that sometimes it is ok to not ask for help or for permission to take care of things and to just go for it without been afraid of anything, like I was when I was a kid. You have always been there for me and never judge me when I fuck up. You have always shown me your love, and during the hardest moments, when I am crying and despairing, you are always there for me to love me and make me feel better. I do really appreciate everyone who has been there for me, and value your opinions, but I think I also need to learn to stand on my own two feet sometimes.