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Dec. 29, 2019

  Dec. 3, 2019

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Nov. 20, 2019

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  Nov. 8, 2019

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 Dec. 3, 2019

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 Nov. 1, 2019

Rebirth

I love you guys so much!

Not my fault! I was just a child.

No one should make you feel powerless.

Lesson from my pet Sylke.

It's about time !

Dec. 29, 2019

Dec. 3, 2019

Nov. 20, 2019

Nov. 8, 2019

Nov. 3, 2019

Nov. 1, 2019

It's about time !

Nov. 1, 2019

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In 34 days I will be having brain case surgery that I have been postponing, because I'm so afraid that my life will end, and to be honest I'm not ready for that. I have Chiari Malformation Type I, which "is a congenital or acquired (rare) malformation in which the back compartment of the skull is too small, resulting in crowding of neurological tissues. The lower part of the cerebellum, called the cerebellar tonsils, hangs down through the opening at the bottom of the skull, preventing cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) from flowing freely into the spinal canal," according to the CSF Chiari & Syringomylia Foundation. I have known about this condition for around seven years, and I was hoping that it was not going to get to this point as so many patients never experience the symptoms I have been having, such as vision related problems, numbness in my right arm, muscle weakness, issues with balance and coordination, and severe pain in the back of my head. The discomfort is worse with coughing or sneezing or going to the bathroom number two. The risks of doing this surgery are very high and that is also why I have been waiting, because I wanted to enjoy life to the fullest and do what I love to do before this potentially dangerous surgery. I have realized, however, that I can't wait any longer as I'm getting weaker as the days go by and I know I need to do this. I'm really scared of the risks of doing this surgery: 1) I could become paralyzed from the neck down. 2) I could have a stroke. 3) I could die. OR 4) I can have a successful surgery, survive and live a better life.

I have decided to put my life in the hands of a young doctor who is in her 30's, but from the moment I saw her I knew she was the one. She is super confident, knows what she is talking about and gave me her fullest attention to make sure I understood my problems and the risks of doing surgery. She knows exactly what she is going to do in order to make me feel better and get me back to 100%. I decided to write this blog because I wanted to be honest with myself and acknowledge my thoughts and emotions. I have always been the strong one, the one who is always there for anyone, the one who is the cheerleader, the one who will always say to never give up, to follow your dreams, that nothing is impossible, but for the first time I don't know if I believe it. I feel so weak, tired and really scared. Every time I'm close to accomplishing something that matters to me in my career, something always stops me from reaching it. I will try with all my heart and soul to be positive and hopefully by the end of the countdown I will be ready to accept my outcome. 

 

This blog is meant to be a source of positivity and exploration as I go forth on this journey. Sometimes it will be reminiscing, sometimes it will be dreaming, sometimes it will be a love letter to someone important in my life.  It will also be a way of showing gratitude for the life I have lived and for all the experiences that have made me the person that I'm today. I appreciate everyone who has been there for me - this is not just for me, but also for you.

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Lesson from my pet Sylke.

Nov. 3, 2019

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When I was a kid I was very independent. I played sports all the time and I was never waiting for anyone to solve my problems. I simply took care of it. My mom told me that when I was 4 years old I was playing tennis in a presentation and suddenly my underwear fell off. She said that my reaction was priceless, because I didn't panic or start to cry. What I did was simply take my underwear off and run to my mom to give them to her, and then went back and continued playing tennis. Now that I'm older I realize that over time I have developed a co-dependency on others. How did it come about that I changed from not needing anyone to depending on everyone? Last night I came home after working and watching a movie around 11:45 p.m. I was tired and very hungry, so I didn't feel like doing anything. My wife was asleep (she can't fall asleep well at night, so I was happy she was sleeping), and her dog Sylke came to see me and keep me company. After finishing eating I lay on the couch, which is next to Sylke's doggy bed. Sylke started to do something to her bed that was kind of weird so I got up off the couch and looked to see what she was doing. I then noticed that her bed was wet. I started to get super upset because she had evidently peed on it, I started to scream at her and became really angry. Immediately I started to blame my wife, thinking why didn't she take her out before going to bed, so that consumed my mind and I completely blocked out all the solutions to the problem. I decided to wake my wife up (angrily and suddenly) and told her what had happened (quite loudly). She assured me that she did take them out, but she felt so bad that she brought different things to clean the bed, the carpet and the wooden floor and began to clean it. I told myself that Sylke is not my dog, but hers, and that she is responsible for her. What a stupid way of thinking, right? First, Sylke is my dog too, not just hers. Secondly, I could have just been calm and understood that she is a 12-year-old dog who can't handle her bladder like she used to. Third, for crying out loud, my wife, who has problems sleeping, shouldn't have been awakened for something I could have solved myself. I'm a 40-year-old woman who could have taken care of the problem easily without bothering her. After my wife took care of the mess and loved on her dog (who I had been yelling at for something she really couldn't help), I started to go deep into my thoughts of what is wrong with me. Why do I depend so much on other people to help me and to make things happen for me? How come I always have to ask for permission, for acceptance, for advice? Why I have to show any type of my work to anyone before I have confidence in it, why I have to have co-writers for most of the things I do, why, why, why do I have to show my work to anyone and unless they like it, I don't show it? Why I don't have the confidence in me to say FUCK IT! This is my work and I love it and it's ok to show it and post it, and if people like it fine, and if not, it is ok. Why I have to ask people what they think all the time, why I can't just be fearless and go for it? Why I can't solve my own problems? Why do I need people to clean up my messes, when I should be able to take care of it? Sylke, thank you so much for opening my eyes, for showing me that sometimes it is ok to not ask for help or for permission to take care of things and to just go for it without been afraid of anything, like I was when I was a kid. You have always been there for me and never judge me when I fuck up. You have always shown me your love, and during the hardest moments, when I am crying and despairing, you are always there for me to love me and make me feel better. I do really appreciate everyone who has been there for me, and value your opinions, but I think I also need to learn to stand on my own two feet sometimes.

 

No one should make you feel powerless.

Nov. 8, 2019

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Today I'd like to talk about work, how I got here, and the blessings and difficulties of working right now. (Part of this post is in tribute to the great people I work with!)

But this is my life, before surgery. After work I'm always completely tired, exhausted, like I have worked all day without taking a break. I only work the lunch shift and only a few times have I worked straight through. This has never happened to me in the past, feeling out of control. Right now my body is weak and controls me like never before. No matter how energetic I feel in the mornings and how many plans I have for the evenings, I come home and the only thing I want to do is lay down and go to sleep. My job is so important  for me, and I love it tremendously. I work as a bartender and server at Longhorn Steak House in Manhattan, Kansas. It is a college town and this year I got a wake up call.

I thought that after graduating with my BA in Business Management and my extensive experience as a waitress/bartender, all the doors would be open to me and I would get a job right away in a management position. Well guess what? I did have the opportunity to manage a restaurant in town for four months before graduating, but the experience was not pleasant. This is not because of the work I had to do, but because of the management team. Every day I felt worthless, my boss made me feel incompetent even though everything was going great. My mom got sick and I had to take care of her so, I had to quit my job in order to go back to my home town of Oklahoma and stay with her for a few months.  I learned the lesson that no one should make you feel powerless, no matter how much you need the job. Always remember that is better to find a different position, than to feel miserable. Please don't stay in a place that you are not valued, because trust me, better opportunities will come your way. You just have to be patient. It took three months of being jobless to understand that it was ok to go back to being a bartender and a waitress. Initially, to be honest, I didn't want to take that position again as I felt that instead of going forwards I was going backwards. So, I decided to look for a bartending job after never receiving a call back for a management position despite applying multiple places, and guess what? In the same week that I had my first interview with Longhorn, I got a call from a restaurant that was interested in me for a management position. Life is funny right? So for three weeks I had interviews with both restaurants and both looked very promising. I had my last interview with Longhorn with the GM (waitressing/ bartending position) and she gave me the job, but I didn't take it because I was completely positive that I had nailed the management job. To my surprise, I received a letter the following week saying that I didn't get the management job. My heart dropped. I couldn't believe it. The interactions with the GM from that restaurant had really made me feel that I had it. I remember that I started to cry and didn't know what to do. I had been jobless for three months, bills were piling up and I was completely screwed.

I was in a panic mode and it took me 2 days to get the courage to call the GM from Longhorn to see if I could still work for her. When I finally called (I was crying), she said something to me that I will never forget: "We would love to have you." Those words meant the world to me. She gave me a job without any hesitation, without any further questioning, without thinking twice or saying "Let me call you back." "We would love to have you" - those words changed my life. I understood for the first time that the universe has a different purpose for me, that no matter how much we try to be in control, we are not. We still have so much to learn and to understand. It is not about our timing, it is about when you are ready to be content with who you are and the life you are given.

 

I have never in my life appreciated a job as much as I do now. I love the place where I work. I have worked with so many restaurants in the past and I have never experienced what I'm experiencing now in the workplace. All of my managers are excellent, they treat me with respect, and they are very knowledgeable. They are funny, they work with you, and they are an excellent example of how to be a manager and how to run a restaurant. It is particularly impressive when you consider that most of the staff are college students. We are never judged by them; instead, we are celebrated by them. The balance of work in the restaurant is extremely amazing, something I have never seen or experienced. The team work is extraordinary. The managers care for their staff tremendously. With this letter I want to thank Katrina, Samy, Zach and Christina for taking their chances with me, for letting me be part of the Longhorn family, and especially part of their team, for showing by example how to be a manager and for understanding my situation with my condition and the necessity of having this surgery.  I feel safe having my surgery because I know they care and support  me. Thank you again and also to all the staff. It is a joy every day to work with all of you, listening to Bree sing and dance, having incredible conversations with the cook Butch (he definitely knows how to cook a perfect steak 🥩), Cip who is such a charm and so smart, the laugh of Beatriz that is so contagious, the super help of Brandon, the sweet Logan who always asks how I'm doing, Ryan who without knowing makes me smile (I still don't know why), Erin who is so professional and knowledgeable, Jess who is super cool, Jason who makes me laugh with the things he saids (especially when he gets upset), and to all the team: Thank you. No matter how tired my body feels because of my Chiari Malformation, you guys give me the energy to wake up every morning and have the therapy of joy.

 

Not my fault! I was just a child.

Nov. 20, 2019

The past few days I have been editing my musical, "Resisting the Fae." It has been a little bit hard to write some parts of it. I'm the kind of writer that writes from experiences and going back to my childhood I realized that I have been avoiding the truth in some ways. My own characters in my play are giving me a lesson of courage and of strength. How come I want them to no be afraid and speak of the truth when in my own life I have been afraid of accepting that what happened to me was not my fault. That what this person did to me was evil and cruel. Why do I want my characters to confess and to fight for justice when I have been quiet and have not done anything about it. So here it goes! In 2012 I received a Facebook friend request from someone named Fernando Ricard, along with a message. I was curious who that man was and I read the message. It said something like, "Are you Melissa, the daughter of Professor Moranchel?" So, I became more curious and I checked his profile. When I started checking his profile I started to have a not-so-good feeling. In his profile he had photos of different girls that were around six years old to ten years old. There were also photos of him and probably his family, but many of those other girls were not of his family. The faces of those girls made me feel very uncomfortable and I didn't understand why at first. After I finished looking at his profile, I really wanted to know who this man was. If he knew my dad, it must be a good thing, right? So I accepted his friend request and I wrote back to let him know that yes, I was Melissa, the daughter of Professor Moranchel. I continued with my day and the following day I got another message from him. I opened the message and as soon as I start reading it I became completely out of breath, and as soon as I caught  a breath, I started crying franticly and started to beat at my face. I remember that my wife came running to see what was happening, and she held me to stop me from continuing to beat myself. I felt so ashamed, because I realized who he was, and the photos that I had seen of the girls in his profile came to my mind. Why didn't I say anything, why I keep quiet? I could have protected those girls from him by exposing him. I was seven years old when Fernando Ricard came to live with us, when he was like 24 or 25 yrs. old. My dad gave him a job as a swimming coach. My parents were helping him out until he found a place of his own. I had completely blocked out everything that had to do with him for eight years of my life. One day when I was fourteen years old, I was watching the Cristina show (a popular Latino talk show) and she had kids sharing their stories of sexual abuse. I remember that my mom was watching it with me and I said, "That happened to me," very normally, casually, like it was not a big deal. My mom was confused, and asked me to say that again, and I shared with her how Fernando Ricard and I used to "play" and the things he did to me. I remember that my mom was furious, and she asked me,  "Why did you never tell me? I always told you not to let anyone touch you!" Until this very moment, I assure you all that I really don't know why I didn't say anything about it. Perhaps it is because I didn't know I was doing something wrong. If I truly understood what was going on, I probably would have kicked his balls the first time he kissed me. At that time I was a kid champion in Tai Kwon Do. After telling my mother and seeing how upset she was, I realized that I did something very wrong. My memories started to make more sense, and started haunting me that I definitely should have kicked him in his balls and have told my parents everything. I'm sorry, Mommy, that I didn't tell you in time. It was not your fault what happened to me. I know finding out made your heart bleed, but remember that this asshole took advantage of your kindness. You have always been incredible, amazing, and the best mother I could ever ask for and I love you so much. Fernando Ricard, from now on I will block you forever and you will not harm me anymore. Fernando Ricard, I will never ever forgive you for what you did to me, but I do forgive myself because now I know that it was not my fault. I know karma is a bitch and it will find you. This is the time for me to let go and move forward and for all of you that have kids, our plan is to have kids remember: DO NOT TRUST ANYONE !!!

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I love you guys so much!

Dec. 3, 2019

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Today my heart beats faster than ever before as I get ready for God's plan. I really don't know what is going to happen tomorrow and to be honest I'm scared, but I want everyone to know that I'm ready and prepared for any outcome. I'm very proud that throughout all of my life I have always done everything I wanted to do according to my possibilities and have accomplished many of my dreams and goals. No matter the circumstances I have  encountered I have always been positive and right now I'm completely happy and content with everything I have done. I want to thank my incredible family for being so AWESOME!!! I love you so much!!!! Your love is my strength to never give up and I promise you that if things go badly tomorrow I will fight to the end to be in your arms again. You guys are everything to me and I thank God that he gave me the most wonderful family EVER!!!! To all of my friends and mentors, I love you so much for never giving up on me and for always believing in me. We have many projects to finish together that are spectacular and I promise that I will be stronger than ever after this surgery. Even if things don't go as well as planned, heaven forbid, please still don't give up and make those projects happen no matter what. Life is too short, so make sure to live it to the fullest and never ever give up. Every time you wake up, thank the universe for giving you the opportunity to live another day doing what you love and to tell your loved ones as much as you can that you love them. If you feel sad, depressed and you don't see a way out, remember that it is up to you to make things better. You are the only one that can make a difference in your life, so please don't just wait for somebody else to help you. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that there is no time to waste and live your life fearlessly. I know you will fall now and then, but you will get up again and again. You will learn from your mistakes and failure is ok, because it will make you stronger and wiser.  Love yourself, love who you are and if you don't like who you are then start making changes in your life. Please don't be so hard on yourself! Life is too short to not enjoy it. No one is perfect, especially me, but please promise me that after you read this you will find a mirror and you are going to look at the most beautiful person you have ever seen, and you are going to take care of him or her. You need to promise that beautiful soul in the mirror that you are never going to give up on her or him. That you will not harm her or him, but rather you will love her/him no matter what. And finally, resolve that you are going to live your life with no regrets and be the best that you can be.  I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

 

Rebirth

Dec. 29, 2019

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God and the universe have given me the most beautiful gift of being able to enjoy life once again. I really thought I was not going to make it, but with the massive prayers I received, the support of my friends and the incredible love of my family, I didn't go to the light. I told God and the universe that I was not ready, that I still had many things to learn before being with them. How to give completely, how to help others, how to be a better friend, wife, sister and daughter. How to become independent, how to be stronger, how to become the best version of me and not lose confidence. How to be humble, how to listen, how to follow and how to lead. How to be understanding, content and compassionate. How to be honest with myself, how to be silent, how to listen and how to say no. How to communicate and express my feelings. How to control my anger and my fear. How to love others and myself. How to have faith, how to not doubt, how to believe and how to trust. How to take care of my body, my spirit and my soul. How to not fear failure, how to ask for help, and when to quit.  I'm finally AWAKE!! I can't wait to relearn the how's of life. 

I went deep into my soul, to learn to find my true self and I encourage you to do the same. You will be surprised at what you will find out about yourself and this life. Before my surgery I thought I had learned everything I needed to learn and I was completely wrong. We have so much potential! We just need to be patient, learn who we are and not run so fast. Society's beliefs have done us wrong! We have so much to offer and to give, but all starts within us.  Listen to your heart, soul and mind. I believe that you and I are alive in this world for a reason. Find your purpose - you are an amazing human being and you can make a difference. I will be walking next to you in this incredible journey. We can do it! You and I are not so different; we are in this together. We need to be part of the new change, in order to share our experiences and our stories to make this world a better place. We need to be more united than ever. Let me know your journey. I'm here for you.